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Twelve Days of Christmas, SysAdmin Style

Posted On 2014-12-23 by dwirch
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Tags: Blog Tech Jokes General 
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I present to you now a classic. This was originally submitted to the Network Working Group as RFC1882 by Bill Hancock, Ph.D., in December of 1995. I revisit this every year, and it never fails to bring a smile to my face. Enjoy this blast from the past.

  • On the first day of Christmas, technology gave to me: A database with a broken b-tree (what the hell is a b-tree anyway?)
  • On the second day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Two transceiver failures (CRC errors? Collisions? What is going on?)
    • And a database with a broken b-tree (Rebuild WHAT? It's a 10GB database!)
  • On the third day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Three French users (who, of course, think they know everything)
    • Two transceiver failures (which are now spewing packets all over the net)
    • And a database with a broken b-tree (Backup? What backup?)
  • On the fourth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Four calls for support (playing the same Christmas song over and over)
    • Three French users (Why do they like to argue so much over trivial things?)
    • Two transceiver failures (How the hell do I know which ones they are?)
    • And a database with a broken b-tree (Pointer error? What's a pointer error?)
  • On the fifth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Five golden SCSI contacts (Of course they're better than silver!)
    • Four support calls (Ever notice how time stands still when on hold?
    • Three French users (No, we don't have footpedals on PC's. Why do you ask?)
    • Two transceiver failures (If I knew which ones were bad, I would know which ones to fix!)
    • And a database with a broken b-tree (Not till next week? Are you nuts?!?!)
  • On the sixth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Six games a-playing (On the production network, of course!)
    • Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean "not terminated!")
    • Four support calls (No, don't transfer me again - do you HEAR? Damn!)
    • Three French users (No, you cannot scan in by putting the page to the screen...)
    • Two transceiver failures (I can't look at the LEDs - they're in the ceiling!)
    • And a database with a broken b-tree (Norway? That's where this was written?)
  • On the seventh day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Seven license failures (Expired? When?)
    • Six games a-playing (Please stop tying up the PBX to talk to each other!)
    • Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean I need "wide" SCSI?)
    • Four support calls (At least the Muzak is different this time...)
    • Three French Users (Well, monsieur, there really isn't an "any" key, but...)
    • Two transceiver failures (SQE? What is that? If I knew I would set it myself!)
    • And a database with a broken b-tree (No, I really need to talk to Lars - NOW!)
  • On the eighth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Eight MODEMs dialing (Who bought these? They're a security violation!)
    • Seven license failures (How many WEEKS to get a license?)
    • Six games a-playing (What do you mean one pixel per packet on updates?!?)
    • Five golden SCSI contacts (Fast SCSI? It's supposed to be fast, isn't it?)
    • Four support calls (I already told them that! Don't transfer me back - DAMN!)
    • Three French users (No, CTL-ALT-DEL is not the proper way to end a program)
    • Two transceiver failures (What do you mean "babbling transceiver"?)
    • And a database with a broken b-tree (Does anyone speak English in Oslo?)
  • On the ninth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Nine lady executives with attitude (She said do WHAT with the servers?)
    • Eight MODEMs dialing (You've been downloading WHAT?)
    • Seven license failures (We sent the P.O. two months ago!)
    • Six games a-playing (HOW many people are doing this to the network?)
    • Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean two have the same ID?)
    • Four support calls (No, I am not at the console - I tried that already.)
    • Three French users (No, only one floppy fits at a time? Why do you ask?)
    • Two transceiver failures (Spare? What spare?)
    • And a database with a broken b-tree (No, I am trying to find Lars! L-A-R-S!)
  • On the tenth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Ten SNMP alerts flashing (What is that Godawful beeping?)
    • Nine lady executives with attitude (No, it used to be a mens room? Why?)
    • Eight MODEMs dialing (What Internet provider? We don't allow Internet here!)
    • Seven license failures (SPA? Why are they calling us?)
    • Six games a-playing (No, you don't need a graphics accelerator for Lotus! )
    • Five golden SCSI contacts (You mean I need ANOTHER cable?)
    • Four support calls (No, I never needed an account number before...)
    • Three French users (When the PC sounds like a cat, it's a head crash!)
    • Two transceiver failures (Power connection? What power connection?)
    • And a database with a broken b-tree (Restore what index pointers?)
  • On the eleventh day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Eleven boards a-frying (What is that terrible smell?)
    • Ten SNMP alerts flashing (What's a MIB, anyway? What's an extension?)
    • Nine lady executives with attitude (Mauve? Our computer room tiles in mauve?)
    • Eight MODEMs dialing (What do you mean you let your roommate dial-in?)
    • Seven license failures (How many other illegal copies do we have?!?!)
    • Six games a-playing (I told you - AFTER HOURS!)
    • Five golden SCSI contacts (If I knew what was wrong, I wouldn't be calling!)
    • Four support calls (Put me on hold again and I will slash your credit rating!)
    • Three French users (Don't hang your floppies with a magnet again!)
    • Two transceiver failures (How should I know if the connector is bad?)
    • And a database with a broken b-tree (I already did all of that!)
  • On the twelfth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Twelve virtual pipe connections (There's only supposed to be two!)
    • Eleven boards a-frying (What a surge suppressor supposed to do, anyway?)
    • Ten SNMP alerts flashing (From a distance, it does kinda look like XMas lights.)
    • Nine lady executives with attitude (What do you mean aerobics before backups?)
    • Eight MODEMs dialing (No, we never use them to connect during business hours.)
    • Seven license failures (We're all going to jail, I just know it.)
    • Six games a-playing (No, no - my turn, my turn!)
    • Five golden SCSI contacts (Great, just great! Now it won't even boot!)
    • Four support calls (I don't have that package! How did I end up with you!)
    • Three French users (I don't care if it is sexy, no more nude screen backgrounds!)
    • Two transceiver failures (Maybe we should switch to token ring...)
    • And a database with a broken b-tree (No, operator - Oslo, Norway. We were just talking and were cut off...)

  • About the Author

    dwirch has posted a total of 172 articles.

     


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